Of course we are thankful

So this post is not directly related to Haleigh and her nevus, but More about children and family and health concerns.

Having a larger than average family these days gets you a lot, a lot of stairs and questions that is. I have never in my life told anyone how many kids they should or should not have. But I must admit I love big families and I do not understand when people choose to have just one child.

For some reason some people think it is OK to comment on how many kids you have, and not people your close to, because even if they do not agree with you decision they most likely respect it and therefore keep their mouths shut!

     Last Easter
My 5 and their 3 cousins (their cousins are in matching dresses)

I have gotten a lot of comments about my family size over the years, since I have gotten older I don't get the "your too young for all them to be yours" but I still get asked what I am going to do with "all them kids", If we are done, if we wanted them all, and less often I get asked if they are all healthy, because apparently since the dugger family has 19 kids and the last one was born sick, that means every family with more that 3 kids have a very sick child. ( I in no way believe that)!

So what do I say to these people so strangers? It all really depends on how my day is going, sometimes I say nothing, other times I joke and if I have had a rough day I get defensive. On those days my answers are, Yes I am a young mom, but at least I am not as old as you, of course my kids were wanted and very much loved what's your point. What are we going to do with them? Well we needed a maid so we had a girl then we needed yard work done so we had boys too. Are they all mine? Nope picked them up on the corner. How do we do it with 5? The same way you do it with 2 just 3 extra times a day!

The heath question usually comes across as "wow with that many there is no way they are all healthy" when I say yes actually they are all doing great and have a clean bill of health. Then I get "well be thankful for that" um yeah cause I was not already!? I don't understand how people can think since I had more kids that I was not thankful for the ones I already had.

In birth order Madalyn was the picture of a healthy baby we were and are thankful for that, Collin was a bit early and had asthma as a baby, we would not trade that and see thankful for him. Aden was early too and spent some nicu time, he put grew his problems too and we are thankful he did and for him. Landon was lucky we lived in a city with a major nicu that could handle him at 31 weeks, he is now almost 5 and we could not be more thankful he's healthy. Haleigh has had health issues and was early, she also has her nevus, but with all that she is a healthy baby and we are thankful all her health issues are manageable, but even if they were worse we would be thankful just to have her, she is such a light.

None of that changed just because we had other kids. And it would not change if we had a 6th child. That brings us to the "are you done" question. This one really gets people sometimes. I feel as of eight now that our family is completed. I felt complete after Aden was born too, but after Landon I knew someone was missing. I think we have very little to do with our family size. I believe God gives us the children we are suppose to have and even if we are on birth control or get our tubes tied or make our husbands get the big V, I believe we are going to end up with the family God has planned for us, even if that means raising children we didn't give birth to. And I am not sure what he has planned for our future.

I wish I could say that is what I tell others when they ask. Most of the time I say yeah! Or heck no I want 10 more just like these! And the truth is I feel our family is completed and so does Jason, we are thankful for all our children and if God was to think we (for reasons I would not understand lol) needed and could handle another child we would be thankful he had chosen is as parents again, but that would not make us any less thankful for the 5 wonderful, loving, healthy children we already have.

So many questions.

I have so many unanswered questions. With all that I have learned in the last 21 months of Haleigh's life, I still have many many questions. Some about her and some about the care she has received and will receive.

There are so many choices you make for your child before they are old enough to make them for themself. How do you know you are making the right ones? How do you know this is what they would choose for themself if they could? Do all parents feel that way? It starts from the moment they are born, even the choice of what to feed them, I have always wondered, "if I asked my kid what would they want?"

  With Haleigh's whole life there has been so many choices to    make, Not only with her Nevus but also with her overall health. 

Of course they can not answer you, so you do the best you can with the information that is set infront of you and pray that when they get older they don't hate you too bad for the choices you made for them.

My perfectly Brestfeeding baby, who could not gain an ounce of weight for weeks at a time, we finnally figured out was MSPI and reflux. We had doctor appointments for months just to find a reson for that, doctors ran every test there is on her and I felt so bad putting her through that.

I feel the same with the surgeries, now that they feel more real. I am thinking, Haleigh is so perfect. I made her just the way she is, I do not want the surgeries to change who Haleigh is.

I just want to give her the chances she will not get if we were to leave the nevus as it is now. I know all surgeries have their own set of risk.

I know that there will be physical pain with these surgeries, but even with that I can not get the word Cancer out of my head. Even since the 1st doctor said she was more at risk that other people for being born with the nevus, I have thought Haleigh is our 1% baby. And even if the risk is only going up by 1% that is too much. Well her chance of getting cancer vs. everyone that is not born with the nevus is 400%. Every person has between 0.5% and 1% chance of having skin cancer sometime in their life time. Haleigh has somewhere between a 5% and 20% chance (depending on who you talk to) of getting cancer by the time she is 13 years old. Haleigh does not do good when it comes to %'s like that. Here is some of the 1% of babies she is in.

1. 1% of babies are born with a true knot in their cord.
2. 1% of babies are born with a large/giant nevus.
3. Of the 1% that are born with the large nevi, 1% of thoes babies have them on their faces.
4. 1% of babies need the MSPI formula that Haleigh needed.
5. Of the 1% that need the MSPI formula 1% of thoes go on to need it after their 1st birthday.

With all those things I do not feel good about her cancer risk. It does not feel safe for her.

Other questions that come to mind are more about the foundations.
I never thought I would get a "yes" from one with out getting "no" from the others. I thought I would get "no" until I got a "yes". I never thought I would get a yes 1st.

What happens if I get a yes from someone else too? How will I choose where to go? I still have not heard from anyone else yet. The 1st thing I know I will do is call Dr. Connors and ask him what I should do. How long he thinks it would be. I mean if I got a call from Fresh Start saying they wanted to see Haleigh next month that would be really hard to turn down. Even though it is in Cali. I feel like I am doing the right thing going to Alanta. It feels right going through Emergence, and like Jason said, they were the 1st ones to call and want to help Haleigh.

I also believe Haleigh was ment to help that foundation too. Help them get grants for other kids. BUT saying no to quicker care would be a hard thing to do. Then there is Octorber. We have an appointment with dermo, to beg for her to send us to the facial plastics there so out insurance will cover it. Do I go, or do I put all my trust and Faith in Alanta???

No one ever told me being a mom would be this hard. I never thought when I became a mom 12 years ago that I would be making these choices for my child.